When you get caught doing something utterly stupid, you’re likely to say anything to try and get you out of trouble. Suddenly it’s like you’re 8 years old again and discovered with half a pack of Jaffa Cakes crammed into your gob. And it’s even worse when your indiscretion occurs behind the wheel, and a member of Her Majesty’s Constabulary decides to get involved. But let’s hope that your stuttering, pathetic reasons for going too fast or talking on your phone are slightly more believable than this lot…
DRUM ‘N’ BASS
When Aaron Cogley was pulled over in Bristol for driving erratically and running two red lights, he undertook the usual battery of tests for drink and drugs. But he was found to be completely clean. Instead, he claimed the reason he was performing so poorly behind the wheel was due to being “high on drum and bass”. The intoxicating rhythms of the music led him to also cut up another driver and take a corner on two wheels, due to his speed.
He’s known for professionally throwing curve balls, but spin bowler Graeme Swann produced a monumental googly when he was pulled over by Nottinghamshire police and found to be over the legal drink drive limit. Swann explained that he’d been celebrating his birthday, when he returned home and realised his cat was trapped under the floorboards. He rushed out to buy a screwdriver to free the feline, when the coppers caught him. Luckily, his whole defense didn’t solely rest on this bizarre story. He actually escaped prosecution on a technicality.
A motorist in Southwark South London claimed the only reason he illegally swerved into a bus lane was to avoid an alien spaceship that had been hurtling towards him. To avoid a collision with the craft and possibly destroying our first contact with a creature from another planet, he did the wrong, though possibly civilization advancing, thing. Magistrates pointed out that he was seen on CCTV, where as the UFO was not and he was fined £120.
A motorist in Purbeck, Dorset was pulled over when spotted driving while using their mobile phone. The driver insisted that this was simply impossible as they didn’t have a phone with them and instead the police had seen them eating a prawn cracker and mistaken the large crispy treat as a bog standard Samsung. But the clever copper had a plan, called the driver’s number and instantly heard the phone ring in the car. The driver apologised, offered the police officer a cracker and was given an on the spot fine.
Usually when a police officer says ‘I see we have a comedian here’, he’s probably not greatly amused and something bad is about to happen. But actual comedian Jimmy Carr was able to use his profession as his defense when he was seen driving while speaking into his iPhone. He claimed that rather than having a conversation, he was actually recording a joke he’d just thought up, for use later. Amazingly, Magistrates agreed and the case was dismissed.
A Minnesota man crashed his car into another vehicle and a mailbox then quickly sped away. When the authorities finally caught up with him, he claimed the reason he’d crashed was that his passenger had a large spider in the motor which proceeded to escape and bite him. He didn’t really say why he needed to hit-and-run because of this, possibly it was due to PTSD. Sadly the police failed to find the spider or any evidence of a Tarantula bite on the man and he was prosecuted.
A driver in East Sussex was seen driving at a mammoth 103MPH as well as weaving in between cars and waving a cigarette at other drivers. When finally tracked down, he claimed the reason he was travelling so speedily was that he had dyslexia and couldn’t read the speed dial. Because that is the only indication of speed isn’t it? The fact that he was passing all the other cars and the terrified expressions on the other drivers’ faces didn’t make an impression. The authorities didn’t buy this and he was banned from driving for three years.
A Florida man was pulled over when his truck was witnessed swerving through traffic and nearly hitting a parked car head on. Police believed he was drunk, but he disagreed. He claimed the reason he’s been driving so poorly was that there was a squirrel eating him. Officers assumed this was crazy drunk talk, but sure enough, the man opened his shirt to reveal a small squirrel nestling there. He didn’t appear to have any reason for there being a rodent in his clothing, but it might have been connected with him being totally wasted. He was arrested for driving under the influence. The squirrel was released without charge.